I'm going to lay out my exact opinion here. At this very moment. If you choose to continue to reading (which, you do have a choice, don't read it if you don't want to), you'll get to see exactly where my mind has been traveling these past few weeks. I know, I know, that just made a few of you grin and say "alright, a new insane theory is about to emerge." But that's not what this journal is about. Sorry to disappoint. In fact, I'll tell you exactly how you will respond to this journal. You will say I'm complaining. You will be annoyed. You will say I have low self-esteem. You will say that I'm beautiful. You will all lie. I'm not expecting comments. I'm not expecting feedback. In fact, I'm tempted to not read any responses to what I'm about to say. But nevertheless, I feel its something that needs to be pointed out.

I am fat.

I'm not talking about society's definition of fat. I'm not talking about me being self-centered, out of control, addicted. I'm talking about obesity. Yes, I said it. I am obese. And anyone who wants to argue this with me, well, all I have to say is: next time you weigh 300 lbs, and I try to tell YOU that you aren't fat, we'll see what you say in response.

But, me being fat doesn't surprise me.

For the past 18 years, I've had to live with being physically weak. I was on a heart and lung monitor for the first year of my life. I've had every part of my body X-rayed at least once in my lifetime for possible complications. I've had upper respiratory infections more times than I can remember, I've had pneumonia, I've been hospitalized for things as simple as ear infections, doctors considered taking my tossils out even after they found out that the tossils might actually be important, I have asthma, allergies, the way my house is arranged is to cater to me because of my back problems, even when I feel healthy, I have to take AT LEAST three medications, and the list goes on and on. Now, I know that everyone has had complications in their life and I'm not saying mine are worse than anyone elses. All I'm saying is that much more than half of my childhood memories took place at a doctor's office, taking medicine, or laying in bed with a garbage can next to me.

Where does fat fit into me being physically weak? Well, when I was born, I had a muscle that grew over the entrance to my small intestines. Basically, this means I couldn't digest food. I could eat and eat and eat, but it wouldn't stay down. So, as a six weeks old baby, I needed life saving surgery just to be able to eat. But after the surgery, I couldn't STOP eating. I instantly became the fat baby. The overfeed baby. And I've struggled with my weight ever since.


So, the issue at this point comes down to convincing you to see what I see so you can understand where I'm coming from. I've lived with myself for 18 years. I was the one by my bedside watching as I cried myself to sleep. I was the one judging me as I tried to fit in. I was the one who told me that what everyone was saying about my face, my body, my attitude, wasn't true. I was the one who eventually let myself break. But I've realized that I've had enough.

After 18 years of passing by windows, mirrors, puddles of water, ANYTHING that could possible show a reflection and sucking in my gut to see if I looked decent at the angle I was walking, I've stopped. I realize now what was making me do it in the first place. What was making me run through ideas for new diets, new exercise plans that I could maybe stick to. It was the idea of romance.

For the past 18 years, all I've really wanted was to be loved by a man. I watched Grease so many times when I was little just so I could pause it at the end to change into a leotard and pretend I was Sandy and thus, the one Danny was in love with. Every book my mom would buy me when I was young, I would flip to the end and read that first. If the book didn't end with a girl and a guy getting together, I wouldn't read the book. By the time I was 10 I was reading Harlequin romance books. I didn't even understand the sex scenes at that age, all I knew is that a guy and a girl would inevitably get together in the end. At 8, I had it planned out that I would get married at 18 and live happily ever after with many, many children and the best husband in the world.

But, as the years went on, I started realizing something. Every guy that I encountered said similar things. To them I was fat. I was ugly. They didn't want to deal with my shit.

But I kept at it. I continued to talk to guys. I continued to give every single guy the benefit of the doubt. And they all said the same thing. It was to a point where I didn't even have to show a small sliver of interest in them. Hell, I could tell them I hated them and they would still reply with an entire speech on how I wasn't their type. It was confusing. Are there rules I've never heard of? Just because a female gives you attention, positive or negative, it means that they could potentially be interested in you? When did this happen?

So I convinced myself that I didn't care. I didn't care that that group of guys stared at me the entire time I was walking down the sidewalk and the moment I got past them they laughed. I didn't care that that guy just randomly turned to me and ONCE AGAIN gave me a speech on what his type of girl was and how I didn't fit into that category when he CLEARLY wasn't my type either. But now I realized I still cared. It still hurt. Everything hurt.

But what hurt the most was the ones who tried to be nice. The guys who said, "no, you don't look like you weigh that much." "You look nice today." "I don't see why a guy wouldn't want to kiss you."

It hurt the most because I knew it was all lies. I knew what they meant by every statement. I can translate them all for you.

"No, you dont look like you weigh that much"
While this may seem to some to mean that I'm actually pretty skinny, it really means that I'm fat, but I don't look like what they imagine 300 lbs looks like. The average guy likes to think that girls all weigh 100 lbs, and thus, anyone my size would weigh something like 200 lbs. But either way, with or without accurate numbers, they still recognize the rolls on my body.

"You look nice today."
This really means I want something from you. The only time any guy has ever complimented me in anyway similar to this, it was because I had something they wanted.

"I don't see why a guy wouldn't want to kiss you."
This is the hardest to translate. It got me at first too. I felt better about myself after hearing this one. But then it hit me. A guy said that. And he obviously doesn't want to kiss me. He only thinks of me as a friend. So, how can he know that somewhere out there, there is a guy who wants to kiss me? Every guy is the same. Acts the same way towards me. They all think of me as a friend. NONE of them want to kiss me. But I bet you, all of them would say this same thing. SOMEWHERE out there, there's a guy who wants to kiss you. But its not me. Or him, or him, or him, or him........

It was when this last translation happened that it hit me. What was I doing with my life? I was staring in windows and puddles hoping I looked okay enough to even grace the presence of a guy. A few nights ago, I made my roommate wait for me to get completely dressed and ready before she introduced me on skype to a guy friend of hers from Michigan. I said hi, a few more sentences, and then left to get back into pajamas and crawl back into bed. How ridiculous is that? Trying to suck in my fat and fix my outward appearance for a guy on skype who I will never meet in real life. I was fantasizing that everyone was right. That there was ONE guy out there that would understand..... ONE in a few trillion that was meant for me.....

I know what its like to be an invalid. I don't need to be treated like I'm one on a daily basis because of my outward appearance. And that's what guys worry about. I see it. I know it. I've been here 18 years. I've been through the same routine enough times to say with certainty that even if they claim its not my outward appearance that stops them from liking me as more than a friend, that it really is. I'm just not any guys "type."

But, the thing is, is now I truly don't care.

You see, even if I did continue to dote on my outward appearance as much as everyone else and I did eventually lose the weight, it wouldn't change anything. Lets say I do lose the weight, and am suddenly skinny and a guy asks me out. I'd say no. Because my first reaction would be that they're joking. They're laughing at my expense. My second response though, would put a stopper on any second guessing of if they are joking. My second response would be that they wouldn't have done this when I was fat.

I'm not going around pretending anymore. I'm not going to say that I want people to not judge me by my fat. Because, in a way, that's even more insulting than judging me. Because if they don't judge my fat, then they're ignoring that it's there. That its a part of me.

So my second response is key. The fact that they wouldn't have dated me if I was fat shows that they are in fact shallow. And I would never date anyone who would make me pretend a part of me didn't exist.

So I've resolved to give up on men. No, this does not mean I'm becoming a lesbian. I could never fall for a girl. I can't change who I am. Instead, I'm holding more tightly to my plans for the future. I will graduate from college. I will become a high school english teacher. I will become roommates with Stephanie. I will own tons of pets.

But I won't get married. It doesn't fit into my plans.

Here's the thing, I've already convinced myself of this. Sure, it'll be hard to see couples together sometimes, but I'll get over it. Which, of course, means that all of you need to get over it too. All of you, my friends, need to realize that I AM FAT. This is the point where most of you are going, "no you're not, you're beautiful." Yes. I agree. I'm beautiful. I wouldn't trade my personality for the world. And now, I wouldn't trade my body either.

Maybe one day I will lose the fat. But if I do, I will do it for medical reasons only. I will only do it for my health. I will never again think of dieting for society. And even if I lose the weight, ESPECIALLY if I lose the weight, I will never truly connect to a guy. But I'm okay with that.